Thoughts 2022-04-17: Forgive Me Not

It has been a couple days, I have been focusing on other outlets of late. I have been drawing a lot and spending a bunch of time with company. I spent some time at the Slipknot show and had a great time. We were gifted 12 tickets and rounded up some good friends for the show. Had a great time. A couple folks got to see their first metal concert and one large venue first concert as well. I appreciate being a part of those people getting a taste of the old metal punch bowl experience. Slipknot were great, they are a top notch high energy live band and nobody was bored.

At some point after the show, we got to talking about some pretty heavy stuff and some of the terrible things that have happened in the past. It led to a rough sleep due to thinking about what a cruel person I have been at times. I think that has been a pretty common theme in these blog posts, and I think it makes sense at the end of life to reflect on how you have treated others. Either you care or you don’t, I’m not sure if there are any shades of grey there, you don’t care or you suffer.

Forgiveness is an interesting and complicated thing: it is easy to forgive, but forgetting can be hard. We often say the words, but I’m not sure how often we fully mean them. We should be better at it, considering how flawed we are as a species; we should be forgiving folks daily, considering our ability to make mistakes.

That flawed nature sits on my shoulders a lot lately. Others I forgive, because I know we are all a bit flawed, but that is not a blanket reality, there are some people who don’t deserve it and, as I have said before, it is best to forget about them and move on. Most I forgive though, considering the scope of my own flaws I have to. People in glass houses and all that. Forgiving myself is harder.

How do you feel about good folks who do really bad things though? I mean, it happens, too much booze can often lead a perfectly normal person having a particularly bad day, to do or say some grade A terrible shit. I think I am usually okay forgiving those folks, as previous behavior is always in the equation. Nothing can really be taken out of context. You got to give those that deserve it the benefit of the doubt. It is hard though, I know that.

We are so hard on ourselves I find. That is what got this whole conversation going, someone feeling bad about something they did not do in the past. I echoed that person’s guilt that night, thinking about those I mistreated, thinking about those I failed to protect, for hours while trying to sleep. We are often harder on ourselves than others I find, and more critical of our own offenses…usually anyway.

There are big ones and small, and sometimes you stew on something for years, then bring it up to the person who was supposed to have been offended and they have completely forgotten the offense. Pretty weird. Other times people mention things to you, that you did, and it has slipped the old guilt net completely. I feel the worst about those, not only did I hurt that person, but I cared so little about doing it that I forgot it afterward as well. Real asshole stuff there. Hard on the heart.

As I am older now and live a different lifestyle, I wish I was better at separating myself from younger Todd. He was a real pinhead, and not the same guy I am now. We should all be more cognizant of that, in ourselves and in others. People do change, it happens slowly, but it happens, and it is real. Present Todd would hate past Todd, there is no doubt in my mind. That kid was cocky, brash, annoying and self centered. Today Todd is just self centered. Much better now.

I was never out to hurt anybody, I feel good about that, but that never stopped me from hurting folks a lot. Again, mostly I just did dumb things when I had too much to drink, but not exclusively. I was arrogant and selfish, and it shows a lot in my memories of those times. Too bad. I am no longer that guy though, and I am sure I would not repeat a lot of my past mistakes in this form I am in now. That is how you know that you have learned, that you have grown as a human being.

Anyway, take it easy on yourself, it is okay to be introspective, but nobody is perfect. Try not to be an asshole though. There is no need for that. Booze was always the worst ring leader for me and led to most of my really bad behavior. I don’t miss it that much to be honest. Being around drunk people reinforces my lack of nostalgia as well, because you feel very happy not to be behaving like them. That part can be tough though…because drunk people are far less annoying when you are drunk as well. Sleep well...seriously!

The picture is of a couple of drunk devils.